


Hello

by reppinda5o3



Series: 25 (An Adele Songfic Series) [2]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Forgiveness, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 09:48:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18808699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reppinda5o3/pseuds/reppinda5o3
Summary: Jace and Clary met in college. They started out as friends which eventually turned into friends with benefits until one of them decided they wanted more. But sometimes more turns out to be too much for anyone to handle. Mistakes are made and some things you can never get back. Then again, some things are worth fighting for. Part 2 of 3I don’t own the characters, just the contentCross Post from FanFiction.netDO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ SEND MY LOVE (TO YOUR NEW LOVER)There is a Spotify playlist for this series at https:/ /open.spotify.com/user/1235861650/playlist/11pzLPQKBJ6BiTw8zkcWXM?si=Luh-d3jpQymFNhWygsx5xA





	1. Some Things You Can’t Go Back To

**Author's Note:**

> Story Song:
> 
> *Adele - Hello*
> 
> Chapter Songs:
> 
> *Frans - Liar*
> 
> *Chris Brown - All Back*
> 
> *Martin Garrix, David Guetta, Jamie Scott, Romy Dya - So Far Away*
> 
> *Carolina Liar - I'm Not Over*

The weeks following Clary's departure were torture for Jace. He was caught between his past and present, possibly his future and had no idea how to escape. He knew he should be in the moment with Aline but now it became apparent that Clary was still out there, she didn't hate him and she was more accomplished and beautiful than ever. Her body had filled out since college. Her chest had grown at least a cup size and while she'd always had curves that Jace loved, they were more defined and she had hips for days. Not to mention she had become everything she'd always dreamed and more. Since he hadn't had time to hear her entire life story from Izzy, he didn't know all the details of what she was currently involved in or how she got to be such a success but he knew enough and he was so fucking proud of her. It was amazing but bittersweet because she was supposed to have become this person in California. They were supposed to have built this life together rather than on opposite sides of the country. But he was the one who had ruined that and he knew he only had himself to blame.

Jace was being aloof and passive aggressive, acting as if everything, including his girlfriend, was a burden. Aline caught on pretty quickly that something was wrong. She was a brilliant lawyer, not to mention observant and realized that the start of Jace's bad mood seemed to coincide with the trip back from his parents house. At first she was kind to him, assuming it was a hangover from all the liquor he drank but when the shortness and overall irritability ran over into the next few days, she knew she had a problem on her hands and proceeded to confront him.

He was initially evasive but it was obvious it came down to one thing…or rather, one person. She bluntly asked him to explain what kind of relationship he and Clary previously had and he didn't see any reason to lie even though he wasn't exactly thrilled to drudge up their sordid past. But he relented; he figured he'd done enough fibbing and misleading to last a lifetime. They sat down on the couch and Jace explained, without going into too much detail, the gist of what they once were to each other.

Upon finding out that he was once engaged to her, Aline asked him if Clary was what he wanted. She was hoping for a no of course but regardless of his answer, she had to put forth the question. It would be hard but she wouldn't keep a man who wanted someone else. It wasn't fair to him or her.

He had about 5 seconds where time seemed to slow down so much that he could feel each individual wisp of air rushing past his ears. Did he want Clary? He tried to apply all of the logic that 5 seconds afforded to the situation. Honestly, he liked the idea of her, she was successful and gorgeous and the memories were still there but that was the problem. They were memories. He wanted back that person that he knew almost 9 years ago and she didn't exist anymore. The woman that she was now was a stranger that looked very similar to the woman he once knew and loved. He couldn't allow himself to throw away what he'd built with Aline over the past year and a half no matter how tempted, to chase after a recollection of someone who used to be…especially when that person was already happy with someone else.

"I want you," Jace said, suddenly looking up and staring deep and determinately into his girlfriend's almond-shaped eyes. Jace wanted the words coming out of his mouth to be true more than anything and told himself that he could make it work. All he had to do was pretend like dinner at his parents' never happened.

—

It didn't take him too long though to realize how difficult it would be to go back to ignoring all things Clary. It was as if once she had been introduced back into his life, she was omnipresent. Jace was having a hard enough time trying to get her out of his head after one time of sitting across from her at dinner, which was ridiculous in itself, but it seemed like he was now getting reminders everywhere.

He picked up the LA Times one morning, while he was waiting for a client to arrive and there was an article about Clary and the newest branch of her charity opening up on the West Coast. That same night, he was going through a catalog of TED talks and just so happened to come across a forensics video of Clary presenting a new technology developed by a team she worked with, using instant retina scans to identify John and Jane Does. He knew he should turn it off but even though a lot of what she was saying should've gone straight over his head, she was able to speak in a way that most people watching would be able to gain a basic understanding. It was fascinating how engaging she was and fuck, did he love to watch her mouth move. He remembered, fondly, the things she could do with that mouth.

After the video was over, he tried to convince himself that he was done and he was going to stop thinking about her. He needed to focus on the things that were important in his life and as much as he missed what they used to have, she was no longer a part of it. He ordered Chinese takeout, took a shower and went to bed alone that night, despite the 2 missed phone calls from Aline.

A couple weeks later, he was searching through NPR for a podcast to listen to and put on one of his favorites to keep up on current events and important people. Clary made an appearance there too, among a panel of 4 other successful working women in America. She was laying out the path she took in life to gain her success, legitimizing the need to have a plan for the future and the importance of hard work. He continued to listen until the program was done, even going into work late, which was something he almost never did. It was getting harder to ignore the effect just hearing her name had on him and he both relished and dreaded it.

Jace was working from home one afternoon while sick, with the TV playing in the background, when an episode of The View came on. He was just using it for background noise as he was typing on his computer but there was no mistaking the voice that sounded through the speakers only about 20 minutes in. He looked up and scrambled for the remote to turn up the volume without a second thought. The hosts had her giving her opinion on global events but they also got her talking about her work in forensic science and investigation. She spoke about how she was currently in the process of writing her 4th book, titled "Murder In Your Own Backyard." Clary eluded that she would be working on a documentary series with the help of the OMCE to detail the everyday life of an investigator solving a real murder and had the cast cracking up while explaining how these things are not for the faint of heart as she's seen some pretty horrible things since she started her career. Then she began to talk about the charities and grant programs she had started and supported, encouraging the hosts and audience to get out and volunteer or donate to a cause, even if it wasn't any of hers. She was absolutely perfect. The audience loved her. And for the first time, Jace allowed himself to admit that he loved her too. Even if he didn't know the person she had become, even if they had every obstacle keeping them apart, he couldn't help how he felt and no amount of hiding or denial would change that.

He didn't want to hurt her, especially after the talk they'd had but Jace had to distance himself from Aline. He was falling into a depression like he'd never seen in all of his 30 years and had started drinking quite a bit just to try to shut his brain off. He either needed to find a way to suck it up and move on or form a plan and do something about it. Whichever option he went with, he couldn't involve Aline until he knew exactly what he was going to do. She was more understanding than he probably would've been in her situation and it was much more than he deserved. He wouldn't have expected anything different from her; that was just who his girlfriend was and that made Jace feel even more guilty for not being able to push his old feelings aside and just move the fuck on with the woman who was madly in love with him rather than entertaining the idea of going after a woman he probably had no shot with.

—

Two months after the night at his parents', when Jace finally got around to his monthly phone call with Alec, he was dreading the conversation more than he should've. First, he knew that the moment he so much as breathed into the phone, Alec would know something was wrong with him. His brother was very perceptive and he knew how to read Jace well considering how much time they'd spent together both before and after his adoption. That was something they never spoke about and Alec treated him like he was blood anyway, just like the rest of the Lightwoods. Since Alec had gotten his degree in Psychology and became a full time therapist, he'd gotten even better at picking up on the small things that other people would probably miss.

Jace was also worried that he would hear her voice in the background. He was already out of control and hearing the voice of the one person who haunted his dreams over the phone, rather than on TV or through the radio, he knew would be a different experience altogether. He didn't know how long he'd be able to hold it together, considering the last time they spoke, she pretty much dismissed him from her life once again. He couldn't blame her but fuck, it caused a gut wrenching feeling to take over his body.

He drank almost a half bottle of Scotch before he finally worked up the nerve to make the call and just like he thought, Alec answered the phone and knew there was something off as soon as he spoke his first sentence. It may have had something to do with the slight slur in his words but he had no doubt his brother could hear the sadness that was overtaking him.

"Jace, I can tell something's up just by the way you said hello. What's going on?"

"Is Clary there?" Jace asked, tentatively.

"No, she took Gracie to a Mommy and Me class. God, I don't know what we'd do without her."

"I need to talk to someone and I'm not sure if I need a therapist or my brother right now."

"Well, I imagine you're going to get a bit of both. I won't say anything about what we talk about but I'm going to have to put you on speakerphone for a while. I'm folding laundry and I have to get this done before the next load comes out of the dryer. We're going to a benefit tonight. Magnus is around here somewhere but I know he wouldn't say anything either. If that's an issue, then I may have to call you back," Alec explained.

"No, it's fine. I really need to get this off my chest and maybe Magnus will have some advice as well since he is close to the situation."

"I'm assuming this has something to do with Clary?" Alec inquired.

"Yes. I can't stop thinking about her, Alec. I managed to put her in Pandora's box for 8 years and bury that box in the back of my mind but seeing her at mom and dad's just…I don't know, dug it up and spilled the contents like a flood. I can't put her back in no matter how hard I try. When Aline got tired of me treating her like crap for almost a week after we got home, we ended up having a discussion about my prior engagement and she flat out asked me if I wanted Clary," Jace sighed and rubbed his temples before taking another long swig of Scotch, already growing weary of the conversation. "I told her that I wanted to stay with her and it's true…I thought about it and I didn't lie so that's good I guess. I want to be with Aline but it's not because I love her…it's because I want things to remain easy, exactly the way they are right now. I'd be ecstatic to be able to say that I'm the guy that does the expected thing and proposes to the beautiful girl who's willing to do anything for him; gives her 2.5 kids, buys a nice house in the Suburbs and starts driving a minivan or something all because she means so much to him…but we both know that guy can't be me. I'm not that guy for her. I am the guy that just saw the love of his life for the first time in over 8 years and I can't let these feelings for her go, even if she's someone new. She's so much more than that 22 year old college student that I parted ways with and she did that without me, Alec. Do you know what that feels like?" Jace admitted.

"Jace, I'm going to be honest with you…not sure if this is more of the therapist talking or more of your brother but I guess it's irrelevant. The point is, it was your actions that led to this outcome. You had your chance with her and you wasted it. Now, she's a confident, happy, good person. She's said on multiple occasions that she doesn't hate you. She even asks how you're doing every once in a while which is more than I can say for you. But…you cheated on her and you can't expect someone to want you to be a part of their life after that kind of betrayal. You were selfish. That doesn't sound to me like someone who respects or cares about anyone but themselves. She wishes the best for you but how could she ever trust you again?" Alec reasoned. Jace took another large swig off the bottle.

"That's it though. That's the worst part. I didn't even fucking cheat on her. I paid that girl to get on top of me. Yes, she was shirtless and so was I but we both still had our pants on. I never even touched her. I just needed an excuse for Clary to leave me. She never would've let me go otherwise. I knew KK and Magnus were coming to that party and I left my bedroom door open on purpose. I knew one of them would come to find me eventually. That girl was sitting on top of me for over 30 minutes and I didn't even get hard because all I could think about was Clary. But I asked her to marry me at 22 and when I went to tell Bash about it, he made some pretty good points. I was still in my college years. I hadn't really sowed my wild oats and I was worried that I would end up just like my father. He married my mom young and he ended up ruining her life with the endless trail of women he paraded in front of her and I wouldn't do that to Clary so I did what I could to end things the only way I knew how," Jace drunkenly admitted.

"First, if you think the worst part of that story is that Clary thinks you cheated when you didn't, you're in for the shock of a lifetime but you're obviously very intoxicated so maybe we should discuss this another…"

Just then, there was a swishing noise in the background before another voice came through the phone, much angrier than the first.

"You fucking idiot. I can't believe you would do that to her. I don't give a fuck if you cheated or not. Letting her believe that you did was a cruel fucking thing to do. That girl cried in her room for nearly 24 hours straight. She was inconsolable. She walked around like a zombie for the whole week of finals and she still came home and cried herself to sleep every night. She gave you her heart, which we both know was extremely hard for her and you threw it back in her face like it meant nothing. You aren't your father, Jace, and if anything, I would think seeing what it did to your mother and the tragedy that happened afterward would've kept you from doing that to Clary. Fuck, it took her years to get over what you did to her," Mags yelled.

"It didn't seem like it took years. I saw her at L&N the last day of finals. It looked like she was having an awfully good time dancing with half the guys in the club," Jace said, petulantly.

"You have got to be kidding me. I can't believe you're that childish. The only thing that seemed to be able to pull her out of her funk was your sister. She got her to go out and have fun because we couldn't get her to leave her room besides to go to class…And what the fuck were you doing at the club? Who are you to judge her? It's not like you were there to just hang out. I'll bet money that the whole week she was crying over you, you were fucking every chick you could get your hands on and don't tell me you left that club alone," Mags scolded.

Jace had the decency to look contrite, not that they could see it through the phone but he wasn't really thinking of that as he downed another drink.

"I know I'm a liar, an idiot, an asshole, a douche bag and any other name you want to call me. I deserve it all. I fucked up big time. Bigger than I've ever fucked up at anything in my entire life. Because she was my life. But I have to fix it. She said goodbye at mom and dad's like we would never see each other again and I can't have that. I can't get her out of my mind. I'm not made to love anyone but her."

"Jace, you do know that 8 years can change a lot about a person. She's not the same Clary you knew in college. She…she's better. She really is amazing but you know Clary has a boyfriend and they seem really happy. They've been together for about 8 months and that's the longest relationship she's had since you. If you ruin that for her, then you're more selfish than I ever thought you could be." Alec stated.

"Don't you think I've spent hours and hours thinking about the fact that I don't know her anymore. She's a fucking phantom and I don't care. I admit it, I'm a selfish prick. I don't care what it takes. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. I will do anything. She's mine and I want her back," Jace growled, possessively, now with an almost empty bottle in his hand.

"Oh, hell no. You need to check your shit at the door, asshole. I don't care what you think you're entitled to. She doesn't belong to you. She doesn't belong to anyone. Pull your head out of your ass. What is it with you and breaking your girlfriend's hearts? First Clary, then Aline and now you're trying to pull Clary back into your bullshit again while you're still with Aline. You aren't doing that to Firefly. You need to get some help and not from Alec. He's too close to the situation. Get your shit together, Jace…and sober the fuck up." Mags raged before abruptly ending the call.

Jace just looked at the phone, not believing that he just got hung up on. He had no idea what to do. He obviously had no support from his brother or brother in law, despite explaining that he never cheated but he did understand, even in his drunken state, that Mags was trying to protect her. God, she'd seemed so calm when she left his room after he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore…and at the club, dancing with Izzy and the other guys; he never realized how broken she could've been, how broken Mags told him she was. What really got him though was the memory of her allusive way of finally telling him she loved him when setting the ring on the table. Even if it was indirectly, she'd never said it before that moment. He'd purposely blocked it from his mind, it was just easier to keep it in the box with everything else but now, it was tormenting him. The agony he felt over what he'd done to the only woman he'd ever loved hit him hard for the first time and hot tears spilled down his cheeks. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried but the gravity of the situation wouldn't allow them to stop.

He had no idea how he was going to persuade her to come back to him. Jace knew that he shouldn't, that he should just leave her be but he didn't know if he could physically stop himself from going after her at that point. He figured the alcohol probably wasn't going to lead to the best decisions so he decided sleep was his best option. He'd hopefully have a better grasp on how to deal with his feelings and the current state of affairs in the morning.

He downed the rest of the bottle of Scotch and stumbled to his room, tears still silently falling and him wiping them with the sleeve of his hoodie. When he got into bed and laid his head down, the sheets smelled all wrong. They carried Aline's scent, him having not bothered to change them since he'd barely been home. That just made him weep even harder. He didn't want to smell jasmine, he wanted to smell cherry blossoms, he missed her smell. Jace knew he couldn't sleep in that room so he got up and moved as fluidly as possible to the closest guest room, throwing himself onto the bed face first into the pillow. He held it close and quietly sobbed for hours, wallowing in his pain until his pillow case was soaked, before finally falling into a fitful sleep.


	2. The Art Of Moving On & Getting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a Spotify playlist for this series at https:/ /open.spotify.com/user/1235861650/playlist/11pzLPQKBJ6BiTw8zkcWXM?si=Luh-d3jpQymFNhWygsx5xA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Song:
> 
> *Adele - Hello*
> 
> Chapter Songs:
> 
> *Chris Brown - Should've Kissed You*
> 
> *Craig David - 7 Days*
> 
> *Boys Like Girls - Be Your Everything*

4 Months Later

Clary woke up on Saturday morning and looked around, momentarily freaked out, not recognizing where she was. She then felt a heavy arm laying across her stomach and remembered that she was in a hotel room with Simon. Maryse was in the middle of having her home redecorated and Simon's loft just so happened to have had a pipe burst a couple days before that flooded his whole place so it was in the process of being fixed and cleaned up.

The arm tightened around her and pulled her back into a hard chest. The voice behind her mumbled something that sounded a lot like "come back to bed, it's early" so she snuggled back in and almost instantly fell back to sleep.

The second time she woke up, she was alone in bed. She touched the sheets next to her and they were cold as if no one had been lying there for quite some time. Clary got out of bed and went to the bathroom, hoping to find Simon but the door was open. She relieved herself and put her robe on, heading to the living room of their suite where she found a tray and a note. She lifted up the lid and was surprised and suddenly famished when she saw a plate of strawberry cheesecake pancakes. She picked up the note and read:

Clary,

Please sit and enjoy your favorite breakfast, have a luxurious bath with your favorite bath bomb that I set in the bathroom and put on the outfit you'll find waiting for you in the wardrobe. I will be back for you at 11:30.

Yours,

Simon

Clary was extremely curious about what was going on. It was a special day for them but Simon had never done anything like this before. Sure, he got her takeout from her favorite diner or even planned dates for them but in the year they'd been together, he'd never been so secretive. He tried to hold back on the surprises because he knew Clary liked to know what was going on around her. Maybe he was just trying to do something nice. She already knew they were set to go to the museum. She wasn't sure what was going on but when he got back, he'd better be prepared for some badgering because she was determined to get the information out of him one way or another.

The start to Simon and Clary's relationship was an interesting one and honestly she was surprised that after being with him for this long, she still wasn't feeling trapped.

Flashback

Simon and Clary had known each other for almost 4 years. They'd met when she was still in medical school and was part of a group that was consulting on a case, back when he was still an assistant ME. He'd immediately been drawn to her and taken her under his wing, showing her procedures and techniques that she wouldn't learn until the following year and letting her perform them herself. Simon was 5 years older than Clary and at first she'd seen him kind of like a big brother. They became good friends and spent a lot of time hanging out when she wasn't in class or working at the hospital. He would quiz her and help her study for exams. They would go out on weekends to the movies or stay in and spend the night playing old video games. Mags had Alec and even though she loved them both, she sometimes ended up feeling like a third wheel, especially right after they got married. KK was in Chicago, working at C.A.E. as a Junior Engineer and even though they talked and she visited, they weren't as close as they used to be due to the distance.

When Clary graduated and started consulting all over different areas, Simon made sure to recommend her whenever he could. He knew how amazing she was even before she graduated and got her board certification. By that time, she was spending a lot of time at the NYC OCME which was great for Simon because he'd stopped seeing quite as much of her since Alec and Mags' adoption ultimately went through for their daughter, Gracie.

Finally, a year ago, the Chief Medical Examiner retired. It was unexpected but was inevitable due to a severe health condition and even though he didn't have the most seniority, Simon was offered the job. He graciously accepted and became the youngest CME in the history of New York.

That night, Clary and a few of his fellow assistants took him out for drinks to a local bar, not too far from work. They kept feeding Simon shots and since he wasn't much of a drinker, he'd actually lost count after the 4th. But all the alcohol in his system made Simon brave. He'd loved Clary almost since the moment he met her and decided in his state, that he was going to tell her how he felt. He asked her to come outside with him and when they were both alone, he looked at her face and all of his words disappeared. Rather than standing there like a drunk idiot, he sweetly pressed him lips to hers, pouring all of his pent up emotions into the kiss. Clary stood there, stiffly…not kissing him back but not moving. He abruptly pulled away and looked into her gorgeous emerald green eyes where he saw confusion and maybe reluctance? Before he could do or say anything, she was hailing a cab and was gone.

Clary avoided him like the plague for the next few months. She would take cases away from the NYC OCME or if she did take a case in his building, she'd come in and work it while Simon was in a meeting or when he wasn't in the building. She ignored his phone calls and text messages. He was worried he ruined their friendship and no matter how bad he wanted her, if it meant losing what they had, it wasn't worth it.

Simon was confused but he supposed he should've expected the reaction. In all the years they'd been friends, he'd seen her go through men like water. She seemed to be really into them at first and then something would go wrong and it would be over before she even had a chance to introduce them to her friends. Simon was hoping that he would be the one to break that pattern but it was seeming more and more like wishful thinking.

One day, Clary came into work, thinking Simon wouldn't be around but as she was setting her things down in the office she used when she was at the OCME, he walked in behind her and shut the door, locking it behind him so they wouldn't be disturbed. The look of surprise on her face upon seeing who'd trapped her had Simon rushing the words out before she could look for a way to get around him and escape.

"Clary, if I ruined our friendship by kissing you, I'm sorry. I've been wanting to do that for a long time and never had the courage but I was drunk and you looked so beautiful and I just couldn't stop myself. But if this is how it's going to be…with you ignoring and avoiding me…I just want things to go back to normal," he rambled, quickly.

"Simon," she sighed. "…I don't exactly do long romances. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. I have…intimacy issues from past relationships and there are some lasting scars that I don't know if I can ever recover from. I tend to run when things start to get serious and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I just can't trust anyone like that anymore because whenever someone holds my heart in their hands, they seem to always find a way to crush it. I don't want to hurt you but I just can't set myself up for that kind of pain again."

He walked up to Clary and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head. She tensed, momentarily before burying her face in his neck and holding him close.

"You aren't going to hurt me, Clary. We're friends first, before anything else. While I'd love to give a relationship with you a shot, I understand your reservations. But know that if in 2 months or 3 months or 5 months or 10 months, you decide you can't do this…no, it won't be a pleasant experience, I'm only human…but, what I'm trying to say is it won't ruin our friendship. I would never hold it against you. I know what I'm doing and if you feel even a fraction of what I feel then I think we should go for it. Maybe I can even prove to you that not all men are out to break your heart."

Clary loosened her grip and pulled back slightly, looking up into his soft brown eyes. She wasn't sure if she should risk it. They had a great friendship and she wished that was enough for him; she really didn't want it to come down to her fight or flight response kicking in per usual and at that moment, it felt like too much to hope for that it wouldn't but he was a great guy. She had known him a long time. They were a good match. He treated her well. He was someone she could be herself around and she was attracted to him, with his curly and slightly too long, brown locks, his 5'11", toned frame and his boyish smile.

When she gazed at him, she saw someone...maybe not necessarily that she trusted with her heart but definitely someone who probably deserved it. She wanted to believe him when he said they could retain their friendship, even if it didn't work out. Simon was that kind of guy. She wasn't sure it was the right one but she'd made her choice. Clary got up on her toes, pulled Simon's face down to hers and covered his lips with hers.

At first, Simon didn't respond and she thought maybe he had changed his mind but then he kissed her back with so much force, she had to double check to make sure it was actually still Simon kissing her. She hesitated for a moment and he must've sensed it because he quelled his hungry kiss and began placing short, sweet ones on her lips. When he finally pulled away, still holding her in his arms, he said, "I have a good feeling about this...about us," and then he nuzzled his face into her hair. Clary felt content. Maybe this could work after all.

That day was the start of everything between them and yet it wasn't. Nothing had really changed at first. Simon tried not to be too affectionate because he was afraid he would suffocate her. When Clary figured out what was going on, she picked a day they were out exploring New York City and made every effort to set his mind at ease, teasing him about treating her like glass. He then jokingly responded by trying to smother her as they were walking, causing them both to have a laughing fit on the sidewalk as strangers stared at them like they were crazy.

After that, it got a little easier. There was a lot of hand holding and cuddling and kissing but they had been together almost a month and hadn't had sex yet. Clary was going out of her mind. She never went any serious length of time without physical contact from the opposite sex.

Simon came over one night to watch a movie, like he'd done many other nights and they cuddled up together on the couch. He began rubbing his hand up and down her arm and placing kisses behind her ear. Clary took it as a sign that he was ready to move to the next stage of their relationship and thought he would finally make a move but by the time the movie was over, he was getting up to put on his jacket so he could head back home.

Clary was having none of that and frankly, she was tired of waiting. If she wanted things to move faster than a snail's pace, she supposed she would have to initiate first contact. So when Simon turned to kiss her goodnight, she saw her opportunity and took it. She attacked his lips with such ferocity and hugged her knees on his hips, pinning him up against the door before he knew what was going on. It definitely took him by surprise but his hands were kneading her ass over her tight yoga pants in seconds and she could feel his hardness exactly where she wanted him.

Simon reversed their position and she brought her legs up to wrap around him. He held Clary up against the door, ravaging her mouth with equal fervor and grinding into her, forcing loud moans to escape each of them into the other's mouth. She slid his leather jacket from his shoulders and then proceeded to rip open his shirt, not bothering to unbutton it, causing small pieces of plastic to fly everywhere. Their lips finally separated long enough for Clary to direct him to her bedroom and he carried her in there, laying her down on her bed. The rest of their clothes were removed in no time and Simon went to work, worshiping every inch of her body like he'd been wanting to do for years. The first orgasm she had, she came so hard, she squirted, which was something that hadn't happened to her in a very long time. Not since...she shook those thoughts out of her head. Simon pulled a condom out of his wallet and put it on him before Clary pulled him down on top of her.

When Simon was finally seated deep inside her, it felt right. She still knew she wouldn't be able to completely trust again but she knew how she felt about the man currently taking her to the peaks of ecstasy and it was a feeling she'd almost forgotten existed. Clary soon climaxed, a long orgasm that seemed to never end and he came right after.

Simon rolled off of her and they gazed into each other's eyes for a long time before moving. Clary was completely sated and happy while Simon was both of those things but also a little shocked she'd launched herself at him, proven by him bursting out in laughter as he laid in bed next to her. When he explained to her what was so funny, she joined in and defended herself, citing her impatience to get him into bed. That only made him laugh harder and caused Clary to pout, adorably. Simon kissed her forehead, where a crease had formed and then her plump lips. Really, he'd just been unsure of how to broach the topic. He made to get up and dressed so he could leave, not wanting to crowd her, but Clary asked him to stay. She hadn't had a man in her bed for actual sleep in a very long time and wasn't positive she would still enjoy it but figured it was worth a try. They both crawled under the blankets, naked, Simon pulling Clary close and they fell asleep almost instantly.

End Flashback

Clary, being so curious, practically inhaled her pancakes and rushed to the bathroom to enjoy her bath. She tried to relax as she assumed Simon expected her to do but it was hard when she was so anxious. She did manage to spend a half hour pampering herself. She also spent the time shaving and washing her hair.

When she finally got out of the tub, she wrapped herself in a fluffy white towel and walked to the wardrobe where she found a beautiful sleeveless, green wrap dress hanging and her favorite pair of black suede Manolo Blahniks with the 4 inch heels. She decided she had better do her hair and makeup before she put on the dress so she took her time blowdrying and straightening since she still had an hour before she needed to be ready. Clary applied some light makeup; just some blush, eyeliner and mascara. She slipped on a black lace bra with matching thong, garter belt and a pair of sheer silk stockings, knowing that the set was Simon's favorite. The dress fit her like a glove and the heels went perfectly. Clary figured he must've had Mags' help because this had her best friend written all over it.

She was just finishing up as she heard the lock click and Simon came waltzing back into their room. He was wearing a gray button up shirt and black pants with a black leather jacket. He looked absolutely sexy and Clary wondered why they were leaving the room when she could be undressing her boyfriend and they could be spending the day in bed while ordering room service. Apparently, he was having the same thoughts because the next words that came out of his mouth were, "fuck, Clary. I knew that dress was made for you. If I didn't have plans for you today, I'd unwrap you right now." He pulled her in for a deep kiss. "Come on, we have somewhere to be," he said, grabbing her purse from the chair and hurrying her out the door.

Their first stop was The Met. Clary's second calling was art and if she hadn't fallen in love with science and forensics, that's exactly the direction her career path would have taken her. Whenever she got the chance, she visited every art museum she could get to, whether it be in New York or any other city she traveled to. Clary was particularly fond of The Metropolitan Museum of Art and visited every time they got a new exhibition. Simon was more than happy to take her. He loved to see the light in her eyes whenever she came across a piece that she loved.

They spent more than a few hours scoping out the museum before hopping in a cab and heading to the Brooklyn Academy of Music to see Love and Intrigue on Broadway. Clary had never been in the time she had lived in New York and Simon wanted to share the experience with her. She enjoyed the show more than she could've imagined and was beginning to appreciate surprises like she never had before. Simon then took her to The River Cafe, an upscale restaurant with a beautiful view of the water where they enjoyed a luscious dinner of strip steak and potatoes paired with a sweet red wine. They took their dessert of peanut butter soufflé to go.

In the cab ride back to the hotel, Simon held Clary close as she rested her head on his shoulder. She really had been blessed with a perfect day. She nuzzled into Simon's neck, biting it affectionately. He turned to capture her lips with his, wishing with everything that he had that the cab driver and New York traffic would move faster.

When they got back to the hotel, they barely made it back into the room before Clary was taking Simon's clothes off. Clary grabbed Simon's cock and pumped it a few times before pushing him back on the bed. She peeled off her dress hearing Simon's intake of breath as he took in her body.

"You're so beautiful."

"I picked this one just for you."

She kicked off her shoes and unclipped her stockings before turning around and bending over while slowly stripping off her thong. Her bra was next and ended up on the floor somewhere behind her. She climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. Simon sheathed himself and she sunk down onto his thick member, causing both of them to groan.

"God damn, Clary. I've been waiting for this since this morning. You're always so fucking tight." Clary bit her lip and started moving up and down while bracing herself on Simon's shoulders. He took a nipple in his mouth, sucking on it and nipping it with his teeth before switching to the other one. Clary sped up her movements and it didn't take long for her to clench down around him, milking the orgasm out of Simon as well.

Clary lay across Simon's chest as they were both recovering in the afterglow; Simon softly stroking her hair and Clary playing with his light smattering of chest hair. Simon pulled Clary's lips to him and placed a sweet kiss on them with her returning it just as sweetly. Simon watched her and took in how peaceful she looked with nothing but the glow of the city as their background. All of the sudden, he reached over and opened the drawer to the nightstand next to their bed. He urged Clary to sit up and she did but stared at him in confusion. She pulled the sheet up so it was covering her chest and rested her back against the headboard. He looked at her seriously but with nothing but devotion in his eyes.

"I was going to do this earlier but I lost my nerve and now looking at you like this, I can't let this day pass without getting this off my chest. Clary, I know a year may not seem like a long time but we've known each other for what feels like a lifetime. I was originally gun shy about rushing you into this relationship because I didn't want to scare you off but you surprised me by being the one to take charge and initiate almost every step we've taken. Now it's time for me to initiate the next step. Clary, I love you. I think I've loved you since I first met you. You're beautiful, kind, intelligent, generous, hard working and warm. When you want something, you go for it and I admire you so much. Every day I spend with you is not only like being with my lover but also being with my best friend. I know when we first got together, you were worried about handing your heart over to anyone because you were worried that the person you gave it to would break it but I hope I've proven to you that I'm not that guy. I don't want to rent your heart, I want it to be mine. Not just today, but for all the days. Will you please do me the honor of marrying me?"

Clary was speechless. Her mouth opened and closed multiple times before any words came out. She couldn't help but think back to another proposal she had received years earlier from a certain man who also claimed to love her and that had been the beginning of the end. She wanted to believe it. Simon was a good guy but she thought he was a good guy too and look how that turned out. She didn't know if she could rely on her own judgement despite being sure Simon was the most honorable man she had ever met. She wasn't sure what to do. She could feel tears coming to her eyes and she tried desperately to hold them back.

"Simon, I don't know what to say. That is one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me. You mean the world to me. I love what we have and you're right, I don't think you're a guy who would break my heart but I'm still not sure I'm the girl who can trust herself to hand it over even if I trust you." Simon's face fell and Clary hated that she was the cause. She had to make sure he understood. "I'm not saying no, Simon. I just can't say yes yet. I'm sorry." As much as he wanted to call Clary his wife, Simon had prepared for the possibility that she wouldn't be ready. He was hopeful that after a year together that he would've proven himself but she said that having faith in him wasn't the problem. She had been seeing a counselor for the last 5 months or so and they were both proud of the progress she'd made with her trust and self esteem issues. Simon looked down at the hands she was wringing in her lap and pulled her to him, kissing her head as he held her.

"Okay, Clare. I'll wait. As long as you need, I'll wait."


	3. Implosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a Spotify playlist for this series at https:/ /open.spotify.com/user/1235861650/playlist/11pzLPQKBJ6BiTw8zkcWXM?si=Luh-d3jpQymFNhWygsx5xA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Song:
> 
> *Adele - Hello*
> 
> Chapter Songs:
> 
> *John Legend - This Time*
> 
> *Dua Lipa - IDGAF*
> 
> *Ludacris - Slap*
> 
> *blink-182 - Home Is Such A Lonely Place Without You*
> 
> *Paramore - Tell Me How*

2 Months Later

"Alec, you have to give me her number, please."

After the last time he spoke with his brother, he had descended into a pit of despair…so deep and wide that the only thing he could bring himself to do was work around the clock. Before Alec finally persuaded him to get help two months later, he hadn't slept more than a couple hours at a time since a little over a week prior. The last time he'd eaten something was a granola bar he'd found in his desk maybe 3 days before. He was working everyday hungover…well intoxicated really because he never actually stopped drinking. He was pretty much living at his office and holed himself up leaving the responsibilities to Bat; everything except the paperwork.

It had taken Jace those months of speaking to a shrink to get to this point. At first his psychiatrist was concerned about his apparent obsession with a woman that had been out of his life for such a long time but when he explained the circumstances and what his intentions were, she understood his reasons for seeking help, however, made it very clear that he needed to make sure he was working on himself for himself and not just to try and get Clary back.

So far he'd made decent progress. He was still drinking but not all day, everyday and seriously…one step at a time. He'd gotten to a place where he accepted that he wasn't his father. He wasn't going to hurt everyone he loved and his unwillingness to settle down was just a pathetic attempt to disguise his fear. He knew that a big part of it was insecurity and that was something he was dealing with; of course he'd bring it up with Clary when the time came. He also understood that only realizing what you wanted when you were in danger of losing it was wrong. That was how their relationship had started and he didn't want it to be the cause of his actions now even though he realized how much it seemed that way. He didn't want to wreak havoc on her life for no reason. That shouldn't be the reason for him to decide how much Clary meant to him.

With help from Dr. Loss, he was able to see the differences. This time he was ready. He knew what he'd given up the moment he let her go but he still let someone else play on his fears, another problem he understood and vowed to never let happen again. He wanted Clary to know all of these things. He wanted her to know that he wasn't the same person. Even though he was 22 years old before and technically a man, he'd still been a boy. He was a grown now and he knew what he wanted. He wanted her to give him another chance.

She was the love of his life and the more he dealt with his own issues and also talked about her in therapy, the more he realized that was the case regardless of how much time had passed. Even if she wanted nothing to do with him, he owed her an explanation, no matter how ridiculous his reasoning at the time sounded. He knew that he would do whatever it took though, to get her back, if only she'd give him the opportunity.

"Jace, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here," Alec sighed, exasperated.

"I need to tell her what happened. She needs to know the truth. Hopefully, she doesn't hate me after but it needs to be out there so she can decide what to do with it."

"If you're hoping she's going to put her whole life on hold just to run back to you…I don't know what to tell you. She tells us she's happy. It might make zero difference to her and I need you to be prepared for that."

He would never be prepared for that but knew it was a possibility. He wanted her happy but he really wanted her happy with him. Jace would just have to fight and even though he'd never done it for a relationship, if anyone was worth it, it was Clary. He was so fucking stupid to ever push her away.

"Alec, just…I have to try…and I know this goes against what you believe but I am your brother. I know I fucked up. You know I've been getting help. All I'm trying to do is make it right. I want her back. I want to be the one to make her happy. If I can't do that, then I guess I'll have to live with it but I'll never be able to live the rest of my life knowing that I didn't at least give it my all," he pleaded into the phone.

Alec thought about it for a moment. He really didn't want to be in the middle of this mess but there wasn't much choice in the matter. Clary was like a sister to him. She was the Godmother to his daughter and she was one of the most important people in his life. On the other hand, Jace was his brother, one of the other most important people in his life and he deserved the chance to at least make amends. Clary also deserved to learn the real story from Jace's own mouth. So he caved because he figured it would do more good than harm. Although, he figured he'd be getting an earful from Clary later about giving her number out without her consent.

"Alright, Jace. Don't do anything stupid," he said before reciting the number he knew by heart.

—

Clary was sitting at her computer, writing up a report for the most recent investigation she'd closed when she heard her phone ring. She picked it up to look at it and noticed it was him, again. He'd been calling her for days and he was fucking relentless.

She'd spoken to Alec and known that her number had been given out; something that she was none too happy about and wasn't shy about letting him know. He was severely scolded by Mags as well and she was pretty sure Alec wouldn't be getting laid any time soon judging by the cold shoulder he was on the receiving end of. She kinda felt bad but she wasn't feeling very warm toward him at that moment either.

Alec wouldn't tell her what he wanted her number for so she was completely in the dark and she didn't like that at all. He'd been driving her crazy and she was starting to feel like the calls would never stop. She thought she made a clean break when she said goodbye to him at his parents' but she guessed he didn't agree with that assessment. Why couldn't he take the hint? The number of drunken voicemails he'd left her was ridiculous. She'd stopped listening after the 3rd one because they were mostly drabble and rambling.

Clary pressed decline on her phone for what felt like the 50th time and continued writing, hoping to finish before 9 so she could take advantage of the Friday night and head to Stitches, the club that she frequented, to meet up with Cam and Maureen, another one of the ME's she worked with on a regular basis.

The phone rang again, just as she typed up the last sentence. She looked at it until the third ring, deciding whether she wanted to answer. She couldn't imagine what they had left to say to each other but she answered the phone and put it up to her ear anyway, more out of annoyance than anything.

"How can I help you, Jace?" she said, curtly.

"You actually picked up. I've called so many times and you finally answered. Have you been getting my voicemails?" Clary could tell that Jace was pretty intoxicated but she indulged him so hopefully he would get to the point.

"Yes. I listened to the first few but honestly, Jace, I had no idea what you were trying to say. Given the way you sound now, I can't imagine this conversation is going to go much better but hey, let's give it a shot. Why are you calling me? We hadn't talked in over 8 years and then I saw you at your parents, you looked happy, I said goodbye. I thought we were good. Why the drunken phone calls?"

"Because you are the love of my life and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I miss you more than you can ever know. I didn't che-"

"Really, Jace? You've got to be kidding me. What about Aline? Or has her usefulness expired too?

"Aline and I are done. I couldn't love her the way she needed me to."

"Hmmm, sounds familiar. Maybe we should form a support group," she said, rolling her eyes. Clary was quiet for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. "Jace, If you loved me so much, you shouldn't have treated our relationship like it didn't matter to you. You shouldn't have cheated."

"But I didn't cheat on you. That's what I'm trying to say. I didn't have sex with that girl. I paid her to take off her top and sit on top of me so KK or Mags would find me like that." He sighed into the phone. "I needed out. I went to tell Sebastian about our engagement and he said some things that made a lot of sense at the time. It got me thinking about things, including how my dad treated my mom and I didn't want to end up doing that to you so I did what I needed to do to get out. I let you go before I could hurt you, the only way I knew you would leave me…And you hadn't even told me you loved me so-"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Clary yelled into the phone, causing Jace to quickly pull it away from his ear and accidentally drop it, hanging up the call. Clary had a moment to calm down before her phone rang again. She told herself that she wouldn't yell this time but did he seriously just blame his lying and lack of self-confidence and lying bullshit that caused their breakup on her? That wasn't going to fly. She answered and made sure he was going to hear what she needed to say.

"Listen to me, Mr. Herondale. I'm glad you're still capable of operating a phone but how dare you blame your lies and insecurities on me. I was there for you and you didn't talk to me. We were friends first, always. I knew about your parents almost since we met. All you had to do was tell me how you were feeling but you made the choice not to so that's on you. You know what, you were the one who wanted to move our relationship forward in the first place. You weren't happy with just fucking me. You had to make me yours and then you decided to make ask me to be yours permanently. I even asked you if getting engaged was really what you wanted and you said yes. I fucking gave you an out. And for the record, you did hurt me, more than I can put into words."

"I know and I should've tho-"

"Shut the fuck up, Jace. I'm not done talking." She breathed deeply, still trying to soothe herself. "Next thing…you're an idiot. You don't agree to marry someone if you don't love them. Just because I have issues with saying the words doesn't mean I don't feel them. You're the one who did that. I didn't want to fall in love with you but you took away that choice and made it impossible not to," she said while holding back tears. Clary sucked it up. "Goddamnit, Jace. Why the fuck did you have to bring all this shit back up? I was fine. Everything was good. And if this is your idea of an apology, fuck you because this is far from qualifying."

"Clary, I really am sorry. I loved you so much, I still love you but back then I didn't realize what I was giving up. I took what we had for granted and I made a mistake. People make mistakes."

"Yeah, well, too bad this mistake took you over 9 years to figure out and cost you more than you were willing to lose, apparently."

"Please, Clary. I need you in my life. If there's anything I can do. Just have coffee with me. I'll even come out to you in New York. I want yo-"

"Let me just save both of us some time. I'll recap. You say you're sorry but you call me, out of the blue and the first thing you do when you finally get me on the phone is to act like I somehow brought what happened between us on myself after kindly explaining that you didn't cheat on me, you only paid some girl to sit on top of you, without a shirt on to get away from me. All of this because of some comment Sebastian made that triggered some fear you have about becoming your father? Oh, let's not forget the fact that you thought I agreed to marry you without actually loving you. Yet another slap in the face. And what exactly were you expecting to get out of this confession, Jace? Because that little summary of the last 7 minutes or so of conversation isn't really endearing you to me."

"Clary, I want you. I need you with me. There's a lot I need to explain and if you would just le-"

"No, Jace, it's too late for that. You were so deceitful and even if I believed you and could forgive you for that, how do I learn to trust you again? No. Where you go, tears follow and I've cried enough of those to last a lifetime. I moved on…I should thank you though. I didn't know how much I depended on you for happiness when we were together. Now I know how to make myself happy. Goodnight, Jace. Take care of yourself."

Clary ended the call and started to have a panic attack. She knew that she needed to cry but was but couldn't bring herself to let the tears fall. She didn't understand why he had to do this to her. Yes, she appreciated learning the so called 'truth' but it just opened a box that she'd kept hidden away and didn't ever plan on opening again. When she was initially in therapy and had been looking for a reason to forgive him, she'd done it because she thought he'd been honest with her about cheating and even though it hurt, it was better for her not to hold on to that hate. But now, finding out that whole thing was a lie? It took her back to that first year after starting med school and how much she hated him for not being there for her when she needed him most. When they needed him most.

She needed alcohol and bad. She thanked whatever higher power made the week fly by so fast and allowed it to be Friday night because she was about to get fucked up and dance the night away. Despite that horrible phone call, she had a newfound excitement for getting out to see her friends and reminding herself how great her life currently was.

Clary headed to the bathroom to go shower before hitting the club. After she was all shampooed and shaved, with dark smokey eyes and hair curled, she put on a strapless, knee length, black leather dress with a pair of Saint Laurent lace up platform sandals.

She grabbed a clutch, making sure it had everything she'd need and called Cam to let her know she was on the way. The girls were already slightly tipsy since they'd been there for almost an hour. Clary decided she'd better hurry if she didn't want to miss all the fun. Putting the phone call with Jace out of her head, she called a cab and was stepping out in front of the club before she even realized. She walked up to the door, completely ignoring the long line and was let in by the doorman and bouncer, Ian, whom the girls had a good relationship with. She kissed him on the cheek, asking after his wife before heading straight for the bar to grab a drink.

It was crowded, like a usual Friday night. She was able to grab Leo, the bartender's attention fairly quickly. They'd also become friends after finding out Leo's boyfriend, James, was an ME in the next county over and he and Clary had worked a few cases together.

After getting her whiskey and coke, she put a five dollar tip in his glass and walked off to find the girls. She found them at a table near the edge of the dance floor and pulled up a chair to sit down.

It wasn't long before all 3 of them were drunk. Clary persuaded the other two women to join her on the dance floor so they merged with the other gyrating bodies and began to move their hips in a similar fashion.

Clary wanted to forget all about Jace. He had broken her heart. She had managed to forgive him and he still had to stir up all their shit from years earlier even though she'd laid it to rest a long time ago. Why couldn't he just let it go?

As Clary moved her body to the music, she tried to put Jace out of her mind but the alcohol made her dwell. As far as she was concerned, he was cut off. He couldn't call her, telling her how much he missed her. She wasn't born yesterday and she wasn't going to fall for his nonsense. She'd put in enough time and tears and she'd even lost a part of herself, something that it was hard enough to move on from in the first place. Their chance had ended a long time ago. She didn't want to move backward and that was something he would have to live with just like she had been.

She had to get out of her own head. She grabbed the first attractive guy she could find and started to grind on him, hoping it would distract her from the anger bubbling inside her. She was having a great time and so were Cam and Maureen. When they got sick of dancing with the guys, they danced together, taking drink breaks to keep their buzz going. Clary was distracted enough to succeed in keeping Jace and his bullshit off of her mind for the rest of the night.

—

Jace pulled the phone away from his ear, unable to believe how horribly the first real conversation he'd had with Clary in years had gone. He knew everything was his fault. He shouldn't have transferred any of the blame to her. He would've been stupid to not know how she felt about him. She may not have said it but she showed him in so many ways. He had to admit though, he had once again, let his doubts cost him. He should've called her sober. Obviously, he couldn't be trusted not to put his foot in his mouth. Fuck, he'd been so stupid to let her go. If only there was a way to turn back time.

He decided he needed to get out of his house. Sitting at home, drinking by himself wasn't healthy; it was one thing they'd gone over in therapy. He wasn't really supposed to drink alone at all, whether at home or not but he figured as long as he was in public, he was sort of following the rules.

He called a cab and ended up at a nice tavern about 10 minutes away from his house. The first thing he did was take a seat at the bar and order a shot of whiskey. The bartender poured him one and he immediately downed it. He felt a vibration in his pocket and pulled out his phone to see a text from Bash.

'Hey! Now that you and Aline are over, you wanna go out and see about finding some new ass?'

Fuck, all that guy thought about was who he could slip his dick into next. He ignored the message and ordered another drink. That one shot turned into four which turned into eight and before he knew it, he was being refused anymore alcohol.

As he'd sat there, taking shot after shot, Clary's words echoed in his head. He went over his interactions with Sebastian over the years. Sebastian had made it clear on multiple occasions that Jace didn't want to end up like his dad. Explained that it wasn't natural for a man to end up with just one woman. Had discouraged him so many times from calling Clary and confessing everything. His sorrow turned into fury. It wasn't directed at Clary though or even at himself, even though rationally, he knew he was the one who made the decisions that ended his relationship. But alcohol doesn't make you rational and at that moment, he knew exactly who deserved to feel his wrath; who had ruined the last 9 years of his life.

Jace stumbled outside and managed to flag down another cab and mumble out the directions for where he wanted to go. He pulled up in front of the familiar house and staggered to the door, knocking harder than necessary. When the door was answered, it was by a shirtless Sebastian.

"Jace, man, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to go out since you didn't text me back. I got this nice piece of ass coming ov-"

He hit Sebastian before he could even finish his sentence. He wiped the blood from his lip and looked up at Jace.

"What the fuck was that for, asshole?" Jace swung and hit him again, even harder. The crunch of Bash's nose was audible.

"That was for fucking my life up." He punctuated that with another hit to the face. "For persuading me to throw away the only woman I ever loved." And another hit. "I listened to you because as my best friend, I thought you knew me, maybe even better than I knew myself. I thought you had my best interest at heart when you warned me off of marrying Clary. But I've finally realized that the only person you were ever out for was you. You were alone so you wanted me to be too. The only thing that mattered to you was having a wingman. Some friend you turned out to be. Fuck you Sebastian," he said, drunkenly.

No more words came out of Sebastian's mouth because the last time Jace had swung his fist back, he'd hit him so hard, he'd knocked his best friend of over 12 years completely unconscious, right on his own front porch. He was completely blinded by hurt and rage. Behind the haze, he knew that he couldn't completely blame the man who had been his confidante for almost all of his adult life but at the moment it felt good for someone else to suffer, especially someone else who had a part in the misery that Jace was currently wallowing in.

When he came back to himself and realized what he'd done, all of his anger suddenly drained away and he had no idea what to do. He wasn't sure how badly he'd hurt him. Jace wasn't even the kind of person who was prone to violence and in his intoxicated state, he couldn't think about anything but what Clary would think if she found out he'd beaten someone to death, however irrational that being his first thought was. Jace dropped down on the porch, holding his head in his hands and began to sob.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck."

He really was at a loss. It was a miracle that no one had seen him and called the police already. He did the only thing he could think of and called someone he knew wouldn't judge him but would be responsible enough to handle the situation.

A car pulled up a little more than 15 minutes later and Izzy ran up to the door. Her eyes widened as she took in Jace's hands covered in blood and Sebastian passed out in the entryway of his home. The first thing she did was check his pulse to make sure he was still alive. He was of course still breathing so she went in and got some water and threw it on him, attempting to wake him up. It worked; it took Sebastian a little while to come to but he was still out of it.

She helped him into the house and got him settled in his bed. She called the nurse's line and explained what happened. They told her that it didn't sound like he had a concussion but recommended someone stay with him overnight to make sure that he didn't start developing symptoms. Izzy grabbed Sebastian's keys, making plans to come back after getting Jace home.

Before she could get Jace and leave, Sebastian's date for the night showed up, shocked to see two other people at his house when she was expecting it to be just the two of them. Especially, when she walked into Sebastian's room and a hot, raven-haired, model type was leaning over him. Izzy explained what Sebastian needed without going into detail about what exactly had happened. After all, she didn't know the woman who had introduced herself as Joi with an "I". Izzy offered to come back and stay with him overnight if she wanted to go home but Joi said she would stay and make sure he was alright for the night. Izzy handed over the notes she had taken from the phone call with the nurse, set Bash's keys back on the counter and walked outside.

She pulled a bloody and tear soaked Jace from the front steps, nearly dragging him to her car in his almost catatonic state. It was about a half hour before she had him undressed and in bed for the night. Izzy was just about to leave his room when Jace finally spoke.

"What am I going to do Iz? I called her and told her everything. She won't talk to me. She won't give me a chance. I love her. I've always loved her. I know I fucked up. That's all I am is a huge fuck up but I want to be better…for her, always for her."

Izzy knew she had to be really gentle. She had spoken with Clary and knew about her and Simon. The news of his proposal hadn't come as much of a shock. Regardless of the fact that Clary hadn't said yes, she hadn't said no either and from the last conversation she'd had with Mags, it sounded like Clary was on the path to a yes. Considering how emotional Jace had been recently, Izzy felt like Jace needed to know before getting himself any more invested. She wasn't sure if now was the right time to tell him but she also didn't want to give him false hope. She sighed before laying the news on him.

"Jace, I think you should focus on yourself and forget about Clary. I know you love her and I'm sure a small part of her will always love you too but..." Izzy bit her lip, not knowing how to continue without hurting him.

"But what, Iz?"

"Jace, Simon asked Clary to marry him a couple months ago. She has-"

"Get out"

"But Jace, she has-"

"I said get the fuck OUT!" Jace yelled at her.

Jace went completely quiet, almost as if he'd stopped breathing. It was suffocating and filled the space with tension. After realizing she wasn't going to get him to listen to her anymore that night, she took her leave. She understood he was drunk and upset so she didn't take it personally, especially after the night he'd already had.

She decided to stay in his guest room because she didn't trust that he'd be okay without someone to watch over him. She grabbed a spare set of her pajamas that were kept in his linen closet before walking down the hall and settling in for the night herself. She could just make out the sobs echoing through the house and felt completely gutted.

They needed to have a long talk come morning but for the time being, she made her way back to Jace's room and crawled in behind him. Izzy put her arms around him, holding him close. He tried to throw her off but he couldn't stop his tears so she just held on as tight as she could, not letting him go. As much as he didn't want anyone to see him at his weakest, he needed someone to be there for him and Izzy would be that person for him, even if he only let her for just one night. Hopefully, tomorrow, he would give her a chance to finish explaining. Maybe they would get farther when he was sober. She hoped for his sake, that he could get his drinking under control.

—

Clary walked in the house close to 1am with her heels in one hand and her clutch in the other. Her first mission was to wash the sweat from the club off of her and then she planned to take a couple aspirin followed by downing as much water as her body could handle and then she was going to bed.

She peeled her clothes off as she entered her bathroom, tossing them into the hamper by the door and turned the shower on. She didn't want to go to sleep with wet hair and felt she was still too drunk to properly operate a blow dryer so she put it up before getting under the hot spray.

Now that Clary was back in the privacy of her own home with nothing else to distract her, her mind couldn't help but drift back to her earlier conversation with Jace; well, really less of a conversation and more of him spewing drunken bullshit while she put him in his place.

Clary wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. Relief? Vengeful? Did he really expect her to fall back into his arms after like 9 years and some half-assed apology, if you could even call it that? She honestly could've yelled at him all night and it wouldn't have taken away that bitter taste of betrayal she had in her mouth again after all this time. She wasn't sure that was the right emotion either.

Water was running down her face and it took her more than a few minutes to realize that it wasn't just from the shower but also the silent tears streaming down her cheeks. It wasn't too much longer before the water began to get cold so she got out and wrapped herself in a towel before throwing on a pair of boy shorts and a camisole and climbing into bed.

She had to be up early to teach a self defense class but the tears wouldn't stop coming; tears of sadness, frustration and rage. He couldn't put her through this again and she shouldn't let him but it was of course easier said than done. After tossing and turning for hours, Clary finally fell asleep realizing two things; in that moment, as much as she was trying to keep herself from hating Jace, it just wasn't possible and it had never been so apparent before how thin the lines between love and hate actually were.


	4. Gamble For A Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a Spotify playlist for this series at https:/ /open.spotify.com/user/1235861650/playlist/11pzLPQKBJ6BiTw8zkcWXM?si=Luh-d3jpQymFNhWygsx5xA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Song:
> 
> *Adele - Hello*
> 
> Chapter Songs:
> 
> *Gavin DeGraw - Not Over You*
> 
> *Charlie Puth, Selena Gomez - We Don't Talk Anymore*
> 
> *Aaron May - In Love*

3 Months Later

Jace sat sipping his coffee on the back deck of a house overlooking the water on the edge of the Sound. He'd just finished corresponding with Bat via email, making sure that things continued to run smoothly in his absence. So far, the place hadn't burnt down so apparently his company didn't need him to actually be there to run it like the well oiled machine it was.

The morning after his big breakdown, Jace rose before the sun, packed a bag, got in his car and drove with no destination in mind. He felt ill and he knew going on like nothing had changed wasn't possible. Somehow, the thought felt like scouring sandpaper on his skin, rubbing him raw. He had to get away. He traveled North for over 18 hours before he stopped in Seattle. He'd made the trip there many times but he usually flew and it was usually to see clients for work.

After a good nights rest in a good hotel, following his long drive, he went for coffee and decided since he had yet to figure out a destination, that he'd just take in the atmosphere. He'd been there for a little over 2 hours when he ended up meeting a couple that were going to visit their daughter in Boston while she prepared to have their first grandchild. They wouldn't have any use for their house for close to 4 months and had posted an ad a few days earlier to rent it out while they were gone. Jace immediately offered to rent it and the couple agreed after spending another hour in conversation with him. Jace was able to move in that afternoon.

He'd spent 3 blissful months there and even though his mind had still been way too overactive, at least he was pretty much alone. It did, however, give him the time he needed to detox and reflect on how he'd been acting. But his time was coming to a close and even though he knew he had to eventually go back and face reality, he wasn't sure he wanted to. The idea still gave him pause.

When he first got there, he had received what felt like non stop calls from Izzy but he wasn't ready to talk to her so he ignored them. He supposed when she realized he wasn't answering her, he roped Alec and Max into calling too because it wasn't long before their phone calls and texts started coming in as well. Needless to say, his phone had been turned off for quite awhile and the prospect of turning it back on and seeing how many voicemails he had, asking where he was, seemed like the last thing he wanted to deal with.

Jace took one last look at the water and sighed before grabbing his empty coffee cup and taking it inside. He took sausage, hash browns and eggs out the refrigerator so he could get started on cooking breakfast. Pouring himself another cup of coffee, he flipped on his satellite radio, tuning it to his favorite morning station.

It took him less than 15 minutes to have his breakfast ready to go. He took himself and his food over to the table and started eating while continuing to listen to a doctor talk about molecular biology. When her segment was over, he heard a man introduce the next guest and his teeth clenched without his permission. The control he had falsely convinced himself he'd honed over the months he'd been tucked away in his paradise, was a joke that shattered under the slightest strain. The moment he heard her voice, his feelings were all over the place. He didn't know whether to shut it off or listen as intently as he possibly could. He ended up on a stool in the kitchen with the volume turned up louder than necessary and the radio closer to his ear than he would ever admit in company.

He wasn't sure why he'd decided to torture himself—no, he knew exactly why he was choosing to torture himself—he would never not be in love with that woman and even if she was getting married, whether or not he drowned himself at the bottom of a bottle, regardless if he ran away or not...Clary would always be the love of his life. He was pulled out of his head by the piece of conversation coming through the speaker.

"...this new foundation you've started with PlameCorp and Star Is Born Entertainment."

"The foundation is called Little Bits and is specifically for giving the option to different companies to provide daycare facilities for use by their employees so they don't have to worry about childcare. The idea is to make it easier for parents to know their kids are well taken care of and to take some of the extra burden off. PlameCorp and Star Is Born ENT were our pilots and we ended up increasing efficiency by an average of 36 percent because employees weren't having to leave work due to issues with childcare. Some of these facilities already existed because they're used for the You Are Worth It program but what we've been able to accomplish by overhauling and adding over 87 new locations is just amazing. Our facilities are popping up in every major city. We have contracted with over 660 companies throughout the US. All of our locations have teachers, behavior specialists, nurses, as well as childcare providers. They have a dedicated fleet of vehicles with drivers and at least 3 advocates that with parental authorization, can go on a pickup list at the child's school in case they have to go home sick. All employees, of course go through an extensive background check to ensure the safety of everyone involved.

Each center has a medical bay so the sick kids can rest away from the other children. They're all equipped with top of the line security systems to ensure safety but they also all have playgrounds, monitored and timed entertainment rooms, libraries, gourmet healthy cafeterias and more. And for these employers that have chosen to participate, they receive a tax break for their involvement and for the employee, this is an included benefit of working for their company. All of this is on top of the study areas and resources for the parents that are working while going to school so it's an added incentive for furthering education."

"You, along with Matt Nelson and Steve Jones are really making a splash in the business world. This is completely innovative and must have cost a fortune. How did you pull everything together...and so quickly? I heard this project has only been in the works for around 8 months? How many of these locations do you plan to erect?

"7 actually." He could hear her giggle and Jace smiled. She was embarrassed. "And we plan to have a total of 150 by the beginning of next year."

"Very ambitious."

"As far as how it got done so quickly, all I can really tell you is that I'm organized and determined so when I want something done, it gets done. Matt and Steve are extremely intelligent and resourceful; They aren't CEOs of some of the largest companies in the US by accident. They put their heads together, got the word out to their contacts and before we knew it, we had buildings under construction and interviews in progress. We've had buildings donated as well as plenty of funds due to their efforts. So really what it boils down to is, they did all the work and I just stood at a drawing board and bossed around two gracious and very patient CEOs all day." She laughed again. God he loved her laugh.

"I think you're afflicted with false modesty. I spoke to Matt and Steve this morning and while they were sad they couldn't be here, they thought you were the best representative for the project. They both said none of this would've happened without you. You were the driving force that set the plan in motion and they said they'd never worked with anyone more suited to be a CEO that didn't actually hold the title." He could imagine her blushing. "Plus, i don't think i was supposed to bring this up but I think Matt has a little crush on you."

"Matt, if you're listening— which I assume you've cancelled whatever meeting you had scheduled so you could listen to me talk you up—I think we make really good business partners and I enjoy working with you. However, I'm not the one for you. I do have this friend though..."

"Alright, alright, this isn't the dating game. Hook him up in your free time.

Speaking of though...when our listeners found out you were going to be on the show today, we got a lot of requests for information on our website, so I have to ask. You're an independent Forensic Investigator, not to mention the youngest and one of the most sought after on the east coast if not in the US. You've had 4 books published, 1 of which made it onto the New York Times Bestsellers List. You have another nonfiction title releasing next week called 'Blood In, Blood Out' which gives the inside scoop of cases you've been involved in that you and your team were able to solve mostly with the help of blood spatter analysis. You've successfully started multiple charities, the 'You Are Worth It' Grant program to send working parents back to school is helping over 10,000 parents across the US and now the Little Bits foundation. My sources also tell me that in your free time, you teach Aikido and Krav Maga at two different community centers, You bake and contribute to 'Meals On Wheels'. Clary, even a gay man can tell you're absolutely gorgeous. That pretty much makes you the whole package. Is there someone you go home to at night that gets to appreciate all that? Enquiring minds want to know."

Jace knew what was coming. He shouldn't have been getting so upset. He'd known for months but somehow it still hadn't gotten any easier to hear the words spoken out loud. He braced himself to hear her gush about her fiancé and all of her wedding plans, thinking he could handle it.

"Oh...I feel like that's kind of personal..." He switched off the radio before she could even finish her sentence. He couldn't do it. He wasn't ready. And he realized he may never be. He loved her, plain and simple but he knew that he had some more thinking to do, especially after their last conversation.

Jace spent another 3 weeks enjoying the peace and quiet but then he received an email from Bat about a client coming in that refused to work with anyone else but him. It was a client Jace had had since before he'd started up his own company. Jace knew how particular James Conway could be and he couldn't blame him. He'd been cheated out of $250,000 by his last financial advisor and Jace had made him more than 6 times that since the beginning of their business relationship when he was fresh out of college.

Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell weren't due back for another week but Jace had been told that if there was an emergency and he needed to leave early, he could leave the keys with their neighbor. Jace packed up his things, dropped the keys off and was gone the next morning before sunrise. He didn't feel as excited about getting back as he was about leaving and James wasn't expecting to see him for a few days so he made the drive in two days instead of one, stopping to sleep at a hotel along the way.

When he finally arrived home, he set his bag down and decided it was time to turn his phone back on. The number of texts and voicemails that came through was higher than even Jace expected. Rather than listen to them, he cleared out his voicemail inbox and quickly scanned through his texts.

He knew the first thing he needed to do was apologize to Izzy, she took care of him when he needed her and then he completely freaked out on her before he just up and left in the middle of the night. He sent her a text.

J: Back in town. Need to talk to you. Are you free?

Iz: I guess. Although, you could've made an effort to talk to me 4 months ago.

J: I know and I'm sorry. Just come over please. I'll have food and wine waiting. Hurry before it gets cold.

He ordered takeout from her favorite Thai restaurant and pulled out a bottle of Sancerre that had been chilling in his fridge since before he left.

It only took Izzy about 25 minutes to get there. The food arrived just before she did. Jace poured her and himself a glass of wine and they sat down to eat. The silence between them was awkward and neither one of them was used to it. Finally, Izzy couldn't take it anymore and set her fork down.

"So I know you went to all this trouble to get me over here but what was the point if we're just gonna sit in silence...not that I don't appreciate the free food and a reason to get drunk off of someone else's alcohol."

Jace sighed. He knew what he wanted to say, just not how to say it. The plan seemed a lot better before Izzy was actually sitting in his house than it did now that she was there. Oh well, he better just get his explanation over with and hope that she understood. He poured her another glass of wine, sticking with his own still half full glass.

"The night I left, I called Clary, as you know." A worried look crossed Isabelle's face. "I had begged Alec for her number and had been calling her for awhile and that was the night she finally decided to answer. I was pretty drunk, like I pretty much have been for months until I dried out when I was on... let's call it a sabbatical. I blamed her, Iz. Pretty much told her that us breaking up was her fault which of course is stupid because nothing about what happened had anything to do with her, it was all on me and I have to own that.

The sad thing is, she didn't even really yell; just made all these logical statements about why everything I had said and done was ridiculous and asked how she was supposed to trust me again. She didn't even tell me to fuck off, just ended the conversation with a goodnight and a take care of yourself. It was probably the shitiest apology I've ever given and despite providing me with the truth that I didn't want to hear, she was her normal, gracious self.

Then I beat up my best friend because I wanted someone else to blame; another decidedly low point in my life but he has been a catalyst for a lot of bad decisions I've made in my romantic life. Doesn't mean he deserves to get knocked out so that's someone else I have to see but I need to rethink how I interact with Bash from here on out.

The icing on the shit cake though, was when you told me that Simon asked Clary to marry him. That was just too much after the night I'd already had and I had to get away. I knew if I stayed, I'd just continue to drink myself to death and I didn't answer anyone's calls because I just needed to sort myself out before I started talking about my feelings to anyone else. You guys all remind me of her. You all talk to her, you all know how she's doing and I wasn't strong enough not to ask. I was trying to get over something I could never have back and probably never deserved in the first place and I needed to be completely alone to reflect on my behavior to wholeheartedly accept that she's never coming back to me." Izzy went to interrupt but Jace kept on going. "But you know what I realized in the almost 4 months I was gone? I can't give her up. As long as I'm breathing, she will be the only one for me. As long as I am in existence and probably longer than that, she'll be the one great love that I had and gave up because I wasn't man enough to hold onto the most precious being in the universe. She's it, Iz. Denial somehow allowed me to go over 8 years without her in my life but whether she's married to Simon or not, I will never stop loving her. I can't. I know I could never deserve her but I would be honored if she would even allow me to be her friend at this point. I don't think I could be happy with just that but I was selfish all throughout our relationship. It's time I made it about her and what makes her happy. All I want is her back in my life. The rest, I'll figure out a way to handle.

"Fucking finally. It took you long enough. I have been waiting for you to get your shit together for years. I was so pissed at you when you fucked it up with her. She's one of the good ones, Jace. The best one, really. You hurt her and she's the last person who deserved it."

"I know, Iz. I don't blame Simon for wanting to put a ring on that finger. She's worth it."

Izzy sighed, fighting with herself. She knew the things Clary told her weren't meant to be shared but she felt like after the last conversation she had with the redhead, it was apparent that she wasn't necessarily as over Jace as she thought, no matter how much she tried to hide it. She just didn't want to be hurt like that again. And Jace had finally gotten his head out of his ass so maybe it could work. If nothing else, they could at least get some real closure after all the feelings that had been stirred up but Izzy had a feeling it'd turn out to be more than that.

"Listen, Jace. I shouldn't be telling you this and Clary will probably have my ass for it but she was really fucked up after your phone conversation. We spoke the day after you left and what you did brought a lot of shit back up that she thought she'd gotten over."

Jace was ashamed. He knew he'd made her life miserable when they broke up but to know he was causing her more pain made him hurt too.

"What I'm saying is, it may be a good idea to reach out to her again now that you're sober and try to have a real adult conversation with her. I think she might have some real things to get off her chest rather than just countering your arguments and maybe you guys can even be friends." Jace was immediately lost in thought about when to call Clary and what he would say to her this time. How he would listen and let her get her feelings out and how he would make sure he didn't fuck it up this time.

"Oh and Jace?" He snapped his head to Izzy, looking at her questioningly. "Clary said no...to broke up about a month and a half ago"

Jace was wondering if he was dreaming. She wasn't with Simon anymore. She wasn't engaged. She was single. She was SINGLE.

—

Clary woke up to a pounding noise coming from her living room. She cracked an eye open and glancing at the clock on her nightstand, realized it was only a quarter to six. She was hoping it was just a dream and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Right as she was drifting back off, she heard it again. Being thoroughly irritated, as it was her one day to sleep in, she hauled herself out of bed and slipped her blanket around her before exiting her room.

"What the hell? It's not even 6 yet," she said, incredulously as she ripped the door open. When she looked up to see who the annoying person destroying her slumber was, her voice caught in her throat because there stood the last person she ever expected to see darken her doorstep, none other than Jace Herondale, the man who broke her heart.


End file.
